All the expressions of the written word or all the meaningless garble of the French language or all the bottles of God’s patented bitter drink or all the rain filled summers in God’s own country cannot wipe clean the dungeons of deep depression into whose calamitous gripe I tumbled headlong, seemingly lost, with nothing but darkness to lead you on in meandering circles of gloom and hunger to feed on you like an incessant raven determined to tire out its prey and with an unwavering addiction of self-hate and self-inflicted pain… Whew! I feel better after that…

God only knows why and how I got this depressed to start off with… At least that is, if God exists. But the surreal realms of unjustified depression that I’ve fallen into recently makes a cause for the existence of God seem more plausible. After all, only someone with SUPREME power can cause you to feel that bad! It is when one really starts to hurt in life that he feels the BEAUTY of God! I mean, thousands of people have and continue to die every year over the CAUSE of Jerusalem, terrorists butcher and blast whole populations for the GLORY of whatever God they represent, fresher and more gruesome diseases spring up every day to take a good swipe of healthy human blood and yet the one thing on everyone’s lips is God is GREAT?!…

Scores of thinkers, critics, philosophers and so on have made these observations before me but one thing I just can’t help but think has been mostly overlooked is this: Does God, if he does exist, really care? I mean who is God. The God we are taught of is not just the creator of humans but also of this world, universe and everything else. In that case God cares for humans just as he cares for every other of his creations. And what have we, the great ‘developed’ homo-sapiens been doing? We have destroyed entire portions of our planet, driven into extinsion innumerable other beings and every day continue to do a million things to harm this beautiful planet that would drive any extremely powerful, inordinately lenient, all-understanding and endlessly caring SUPREME, EXALTED ONE into wanting to take one big bazooka and start blowing head-size holes into the guts of each and every one of us! Maybe the gunmen of the Deccan Mujahideen were indeed God’s own soldiers showing us the way to go ‘make this a better world’ for everyone else!

Writing all this has indeed released a bit of my pent up depression. When I started this post and gave it the title ‘Of depressions, OCD’s and so on’, I had the beginning of the first line and a couple of very different ideas in mind. But it so happened that this exercise resulted in the above. At least now I hope I can go and sleep.

P.S. The OCD part – I’ve realised that whenever I get depressed I get obsessively freaky with tidiness and cleanliness. I went through an ordeal of cleaning up my pigsty of a room two days back and still get a tingle down my spine when one of my friends come and mess it up in however small a way. I feel this stupid compulsion to ensure that everything is spick and span and in place and nothing is however minutely out of place.