Trust!

Trust… The world revolves around it!…

Sitting outside waiting for food, I happened to look up only to realise that I was sitting under electric lines, which looked like they had been laid ages back and were ready to snap any moment. If that whatever unlikely scenario were to happen, what would people call it? Fate? I would rather say coincidence and bad-luck, but then I realised more than anything it would be a case of a ‘breach of trust’. The many hundreds who sit under those same electric lines everyday and I, were all only conforming with the basic concept of trust, that governs the way we live our lives. Trust, in the efficiency of whoever laid those lines, just as much as we trust our mom not to poison our milk or trust a friend not to crash his bike when you’re behind him and so on…

Everyday in every action we take or do not take, trust is the underlying reason. We trust the other driver’s on the road. We trust a friend with a secret. We trust an author to deliver quality. We trust a movie to be entertaining. We trust a teacher to learn from. Similarly, we do not eat from a particular place because we don’t trust the food. We do not buy a certain fashion label if we don’t trust the quality. We do not use a certain mobile connection because we don’t trust the provider. We do not get drunk in front of a few people because we do not trust them around us in that scenario. We do not write certain things in our diary because we do not trust our parents/friends to not read it!…

Understanding the basics of ‘trust’, then becomes very important especially in group dynamics. When there is a certain group of individuals working towards the same goal or working for a similar cause, trusting each other with work and responsibility becomes all the more important. Since it is difficult to find even a group of 10 friends who trust each other completely in equal measure, any group work is only ever possible when all 10 equally trust at least one or two leaders to take overall responsibily for the cause. If this crucial concept of trust in a leader or trust among each other is not present, then work (the kind that requires thought and application) supposed to be complete 3 weeks back, will not be completed even today!… If this crucial concept of trust is not present, then groups like the ‘Gossip Squad’ and places like the girls’ hostels will have a field day!… If this crucial concept of trust is not present, then people who actually can and do some work will be caught up in long drawn out meetings of no consequence or point, other than to mentally demoralise, physically tire and emotionally drain!…

Does it become more difficult to trust someone (even someone close to you), when a ‘position of responsibility’ is at stake? Of course it does! Why? ‘Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely!’ The closer to the ‘top’ one gets, the more we feel there’s something more we deserve! The closer to the ‘top’ one gets, the more insecure we become! The closer to the ‘top’ one gets, the more the reasons to pass the buck and the blame! The closer to the ‘top’ one gets, the more the reason to put your person above all else! The closer to the ‘top’ one gets, the easier to convince yourself of ‘truth’ in what you do, the more the incentive to save your own ass!…

Lack of trust can violate your mind! Lack of trust can rape your conscience! Lack of trust can destroy your purpose in life! Lack of trust can make ME doubt myself! Lack of trust can ruin relationships! Lack of trust can obliterate happiness! Lack of trust can get you addicted!…

In God I do not trust!

In Government I do not trust!

In Corporates I do not trust!

In Media I do not trust!

In Freedom I do not trust!

In Expression I do not trust!

In Profitable Work I do not trust!

In Humans I am losing trust!

Thankfully, in Me, I still trust!… Therefore, I am!

- BiBinhio.

 

Of Depression, OCD’s and so on…

All the expressions of the written word or all the meaningless garble of the French language or all the bottles of God’s patented bitter drink or all the rain filled summers in God’s own country cannot wipe clean the dungeons of deep depression into whose calamitous gripe I tumbled headlong, seemingly lost, with nothing but darkness to lead you on in meandering circles of gloom and hunger to feed on you like an incessant raven determined to tire out its prey and with an unwavering addiction of self-hate and self-inflicted pain… Whew! I feel better after that…

God only knows why and how I got this depressed to start off with… At least that is, if God exists. But the surreal realms of unjustified depression that I’ve fallen into recently makes a cause for the existence of God seem more plausible. After all, only someone with SUPREME power can cause you to feel that bad! It is when one really starts to hurt in life that he feels the BEAUTY of God! I mean, thousands of people have and continue to die every year over the CAUSE of Jerusalem, terrorists butcher and blast whole populations for the GLORY of whatever God they represent, fresher and more gruesome diseases spring up every day to take a good swipe of healthy human blood and yet the one thing on everyone’s lips is God is GREAT?!…

Scores of thinkers, critics, philosophers and so on have made these observations before me but one thing I just can’t help but think has been mostly overlooked is this: Does God, if he does exist, really care? I mean who is God. The God we are taught of is not just the creator of humans but also of this world, universe and everything else. In that case God cares for humans just as he cares for every other of his creations. And what have we, the great ‘developed’ homo-sapiens been doing? We have destroyed entire portions of our planet, driven into extinsion innumerable other beings and every day continue to do a million things to harm this beautiful planet that would drive any extremely powerful, inordinately lenient, all-understanding and endlessly caring SUPREME, EXALTED ONE into wanting to take one big bazooka and start blowing head-size holes into the guts of each and every one of us! Maybe the gunmen of the Deccan Mujahideen were indeed God’s own soldiers showing us the way to go ‘make this a better world’ for everyone else!

Writing all this has indeed released a bit of my pent up depression. When I started this post and gave it the title ‘Of depressions, OCD’s and so on’, I had the beginning of the first line and a couple of very different ideas in mind. But it so happened that this exercise resulted in the above. At least now I hope I can go and sleep.

P.S. The OCD part – I’ve realised that whenever I get depressed I get obsessively freaky with tidiness and cleanliness. I went through an ordeal of cleaning up my pigsty of a room two days back and still get a tingle down my spine when one of my friends come and mess it up in however small a way. I feel this stupid compulsion to ensure that everything is spick and span and in place and nothing is however minutely out of place.

 

Life as I know it presently…

Hmmm… Wanted to have 1 post every month this year. Didn’t have a proper post in June or July… but then I did start a new sports page and stuff so i guess that counts 4 somethin! Right now I’m at my new house in Manipal using my friends new laptop and accessing the net through our new Airtel landline cum internet connection… Lots of things are new I guess but lots more are still the same and that i guess again is the beauty of life!

Not to get off on a very philosophical note let me just tone things down a bit. I’m a senior in college now and that to be frank is a bit putting off! Every time a junior passes me by they suddenly get all nervous like and say somethin stupid like ‘hello sir’ and shit like that and i’m like ‘What the *uck ppl?’… Who asked u 2 call me sir and stuff!!!… Neway the thought process of being a senior itself has not shrunk in let alone being called sir!

One year in Manipal flashed by so suddenly that i’m a bit lost now 2 recount all that happened in our 1st 2 sems. I remember as in a dream the orientation ceremony and then going to Malpe on the first Sunday that we all reached here and then the Expload event conducted by YELL and taking part in extempore and debate and then the first real thing that I clearly remember is being back home in Trivandrum 4 3 weeks in the beginning of September, down with typhoid. I went back and still managed to gel right back in I guess and then football practices at Endpoint took more out of me than the rest of my coursework combined. Still we ended up loosing to KMC Mangalore 4-0. They were damn good but i also have to say that we played quite decently at least in the second half. Then life again becomes a major blur punctuated here and there by stuff like Article 19 pre-events and the Movie Goers’ Club, the Decennial Year Celebrations and other such things and stops this time at the 1st sem exam time in December. Actually that massive blur of 2 months stops some 10 days before our exams began in mid December and everything that took place in those 10 days also happened in Trivandrum.

I reached home on Dec 4 and the day was quite eventful as I broke up with my girlfriend!… I really wasn’t faced by this… i dunno y… and after 3-4 days i got 2 knw the real reasons y this happened and stuff. It seems a guy was after her life like everything and doin crazy stuff and in the end her friends got involved and she started liking him. Fair enough, but if everything had ended their then life wouldn’t be life would it [:D]… Before I came back to Manipal on Dec 14th or something we were back on track again and things looked quite rosy!… That is until I came back from Manipal after giving my exams and met her on Jan 2nd at Style Plus. After that things slowly started slipping again and it was quite obvious that it was just a matter of time again. And meanwhile 2nd semester was on and work for Article 19 and MMSC (our 2 national communication fests) were in full force. Yell week was also held and Utsav was also drawing near. I took the initiative and saw to it that a fair number of us participated at NIT-K Incident as well. Campus rock idols also happened somewhere along that time and so did MIT Revels. I came home during Easter and the second break up happened… (Funny how life is always busy in Manipal but real ‘life’ incidents always happen at home!) This time around i guess it was quite mutual… and the reasons were quite the same again and though i still liked her a lot, to my credit i didn’t go and call her after that. She did call me a couple of times and we did talk quite normally but then that was abt it. By March end with A-19, MMSC, Utsav and all other such events being over, life was virtually at a standstill. Exams were looming in early May and the month of April seemed to drag on quite a lot with nothing much happening. But then work for our class play Macbeth started and i took up directing just to remain involved with something and that occupied most of my time.

Macbeth was staged on May 3rd and I came back home (again!) on the 4th. I stayed at home for about a week and that Sunday i got a call from her again and pretty soon i understood that she had broken up with that other guy. We talked quite a bit and i came back to manipal that night and things just seemed to drift for a while. I came back home and got bored to death for the best part of 2 weeks as all of my friends were having their exams and stuff. Finally sometime in early June i started talking to my ex again and we have been in touch ever since then. Don’t ask me where this is going coz quite frankly, I DONT KNW!…

My parents, bro, sis and me went on a 10 day Singapore – Malaysia trip in late June. Had lots of fun and lots of really memorable situations too (not necessarily happy). Came back to Trivandrum and went and helped out with LA Fest (our inter-school cultural fest) for a couple of days. Screwed my left ankle playing football in the process. Right now as i’m typing that same ankle is bandaged up thanks to a recurrence of that injury which led to a ligament tear. I came back to Manipal on the 21st and started living in this new house. Still lots of tidying up to do. Am sports rep of my class again and am already sporting a sporting injury!… Still find it a bit hard to believe that I’m a senior here. 1 year passed by so fast that apart from these memories that i have detailed, i can hardly remember anything else clearly.

Right now I’m feeling what the hell is the point of this post! I have no clue really… just a lot of time to waste! Its been 2 days since i started writing this post. Felt like writing when i started but for many reasons could not complete it then. Then the whole thing with my leg came up and this just drifted away from my mind. Now I’m just finishing this post rather mechanically because i started it and that’s all. Feeling very hungry. Its 12 o’ clock on a Sunday and i haven’t eaten yet!… Oh shit I’ve got medicines to take… Better be off!!!… Got to do something about food…. Cya….

- BiBinhio.